Yes, like approximately 20% of women in this country, I have miscarried. But this felt different. This felt much more out of my control - like an actual robbing and violation of my body. I have heard it said that you never forget the babies you lost, but I wonder if other women are like me and will never forget the baby that wasn’t there.
My husband, because he loves me, refused to let me look at any news websites or social media that night. Instead, we gorged ourselves on mediocre pasta and fell asleep watching Shaun The Sheep. For that night, we felt safe in our lives, safe in our homes, and safe in our love. We also had faith that that feeling would still be present come morning.
I am 39 today. And yes, I am feeling pre-tty damn fly about it. The last few years of life have been something out of my junior high diary. No lie. And this last year has been FULL of extraordinary body love, social justice, advocacy...and I feel like I'm really beginning to step into my life's purpose, and YAY!!!
This was also the year that I wrote my first piece of spoken word poetry in about 15 years. However, when your girl Jes asks, you kinda just say YES. She asked me to write apiece about my body, and how I present it to the world. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......If you know me at all, you know I present my body to the world in not much more than pumps and pasties . However, I took this as an opportunity to REALLY think about my body...and the history that designs this body...and what came out of me is a piece I am so ridiculously proud of...and something I feel was just waiting for the right opportunity to be born....It was sitting in my soul for a long time, and then like magic (or Jes, whichever), there it was.
So, while last year I gave you my bday list, this year, I give you my body....Happy Birthday To Me.
My Body: A History Of The Woman Before You
My Body: A History Of The Woman Before You
By Adiba Nelson
I cannot tell you about what my body IS without telling you about what my body has been.
You see, my body has been adorned in gold and rubies and sapphires, lavished upon by men, revered by women, and then consequently raped and betrayed by both. My body has carried children on its back, walking through the desert, to set up camp for my family, for my tribe. It has suckled my own children, as well as the children of my fellow tribeswomen, only to then be shoved, crushed, stacked into a ship. Uncomfortably entwined into, under and around other bodies like mine, sweat co-mingling with blood, blood co-mingling with urine, urine co-mingling with feces, feces co-mingling with that of the bodies below me, until eventually my body landed on a foreign land, to birth other men's babies, and suckle other women's children, until I had nothing left to give my own.
My body has been lashed to the point of being unrecognizable, but because my body was once the body of a queen, my back did not bend, my knees never gave way, and my head remained held high. Others despised my body, but my body knows to whom it belongs, and so it would never cower, much to their dismay, much to my blood-soaked rags. My body has jumped and jived with the very best of the best - jitterbugging and lindy hopping in the face of all the Sambo existing, refusing to be the black face in their blackface. Nooooo, not me. My body rebelled against the shuck and the jive. My body would not….my body could not cooperate with the desires of the haves to see it as a have not, and because of that, my body faced fire hoses. My body became an afternoon snack for dogs that seemed to have been starved for days on end. Perhaps they had been. Perhaps they had been so starved for the sustenance my body held from years, and decades, and centuries of existing, that by the time they got to me they were salivating with the bloodthirst of their ancestors. Perhaps.
My body has worn down the flyest heels in all the land, marching for what you call FREEDOM, only to get to the other side of the bridge and be told ‘go home, nigger.' My body has been the rod for my crown of glorious hair to rest on. Hair that kinks and curls and rests upon my scalp like the glowing light behind the Madonna in Botticelli’s “The Madonna of The Book,” except my body is Black. So, I guess that makes my body that of The Black Madonna. Yeah. The Black Madonna - Enshrined. The Black Madonna Enshrined who landed on the shores of Puerto Rico, joined forces with Conquerors from Spain, made love to the native Indian bodies that already resided there, and became yet another ancestor of the body you see before you.
Oh yes, this body has held the name Queen in its African form - Malkia, as easily as it has held the name Queen in its Spanish form - Reina. This body, for all the rape and death and blood that has formed the very bones that has held it up, for all the loss, birth and rebirth that has passed through its womb, and all the milk from its heaving breasts that has fed all the babies and all the men and all the world over - this body has also climbed mango trees barefoot with reckless abandon, just to catch the sun setting over the white sands and blue waters of Puerto Rico. This body has spent hours chasing coquitos just to hear them sing - and days upon months upon years learning to make the island favorite - pasteles, just so it can watch the babies this body birthed gleam with pride, and giggle over the deliciousness dancing on their tongues. This body has also been pierced deep within its belly by the Bayonette of a Marine, one of many on the island who raped, beat, and killed women who held bodies like mine. Yes, this body has died a million deaths - from the deserts of Africa to the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, all the way to the town square in Vieques, Puerto Rico.
This body holds hips that swerve and twist in ways unknown to the ordinary man. Un-human, some say because bodies surely don’t move like this on a regular basis. But this body does. This body can hypnotize under the constant rhythm of the timbales as easily as it can summon down rain with a djembe drum, or place a baby in your belly with just the incessant driving of a Boba, inching you closer and closer to the point of climaxing that by the time you leave its presence, you need a cigarette and a drink.
You see, my body has been so many things, in so many places, to so many people in so many ways - how could I possibly explain my body today, without taking you on a journey to my body’s past. You have to understand that both the putrid, stinking vilified hate, as well as the lavish adornment and uncontested adoration of the past, has formed the body you see before you today. You need to understand that the word coon holds no weight when put next to the word Queen. The words porch monkey is the numerical equivalent of -8 to 7, using 2’s complement when placed next to the crown that rests upon the head of this body. By the way, that number, -8 to 7 is 1000 to 0111, which is the biggest negative number known to man.
Now, I will not lie. The weapons that have been formed against this body, willing it to snap in half, have in fact created a visible arch in this “current” body a time or two, though you won’t find any remnants of it today. My seven-year-old body witnessed domestic violence. My 12-year-old body came home crying every day because it wasn’t aware of the jewels hidden behind the teeth of its gap-toothed grin. My 14-year-old body was too scared to push away the wandering hands of a grown up, but my 15-year-old body found enough voice to say “no.” Perhaps that was the beginning of my body discovering the history of the blood that runs through its veins. Perhaps. My 17-year-old body rebelled against itself and my 18-year-old body gained weight. My 19-year-old body gained weight. My 20-year-old body, my 21-year-old body, and my 22-year-old body- all gained weight. And I hurt that body. With words. With things. With food. With sex. With alcohol. With prayer. My 23-year-old body made a baby, and then my 23-year-old body lost a baby. My 28-year-old body was dragged through a house by a man who loved me enough to “save me from myself in the name of Christ.” My 31-year-old body made two babies, and lost one baby, but birthed the most beautiful baby these eyes (and the eyes of my ancestors) have ever seen.
All those years in this body - I’ve learned some things.
I learned that I cannot carve the love into my body, like a heart on a tree. I cannot stuff the love into my body like chocolate cake on a random Tuesday afternoon. I cannot fuck the love into my body, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I cannot drink the love into my body, although a slow gin fizz on a hot, sweaty night almost made me believe I could. A man cannot beat the love into my body, though Lord knows many have tried. And I cannot pray the love into my body because, well, it is already there. It has been there from day one. From Queen Nefertiti to Henrietta Lacks, to Ann Nelson and Celestina Rosario to my very own mother.
The body you see standing before you has been everywhere, and today, my body is here.
Not bent. Not broken. Still fighting. Still winning. Covered in jewels of beautiful redemption because perseverance and self-love are the way of the people that inhabited my body before me.
My body cannot, should not, and WILL NOT be denied.
My body is HERE.
SHE. DOES. NOT. GET. A. PASS.
Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ten years from now. NEVER. The same way you can’t put on blackface and call yourself “playing the part of a black person”, is the same way you cannot put on crutches and leg braces and fetish booths and call yourself “playing the part of a sexy disabled girl”. Know why? Because the same way there are a million Black people who can actually play themselves, there are a million sexy disabled women out there who can also play themselves
Why in the name of all things good and holy are other moms feeling the need to skewer this mom for basically being a mom? How many times have you lost your kid at the beach? How many times have you almost left your child in the car because they fell asleep on the drive home from the grocery store, and you forgot and started taking bags into the house? How many times have you walked out of the room for five minutes and come back to find little Johnny scaling the furniture pretending to be spiderman?
How many times have you basically been a mom, and your child been a child, and the shit hits the fan and you end up in the emergency room getting 25 stitches and a lollipop?
I don’t have a thigh gap. As a matter of fact, my thighs actually clap sometimes when I dance. I love this. My body comes with a built in cheering section. Bad. Ass.
- Mothers are Yodas with breasts.
- Truthtelling will give me enemies. It will also give me freedom.
- It really is the motion of the ocean. IT REALLY FUCKING IS.
"Every piece of clothing I own is personal and means something special to me. I love the process of putting an ensemble together and getting dressed, for me it’s my art form."