It's my birthday today! YAAAAAAAYYYYYY BIRTHDAY!! If there's one thing everyone and their mama knows about me, it's that I absolutely LOVE my birthday. As far as I am concerned it's the best day of the year. Sweet Baby Jesus' birthday - yeah that's cool. BUT MY BIRTHDAY???? START A DAMN PARADE! OPEN ALL THE ICE CREAM!! SOMEONE PAGE POTUS!!

(I'm just kidding SBJ and HF - Holy Father for y'all that don't know - please don't smite me)

But on the real - my birthday kind of rocks. I'm so grateful to be ALIVE! Seriously - I could be DEAD. D-E-A-D. DEAD. But I've made it to see another year, which means not only do I get to keep on spreading love and light to the world, but I get to keep learning from all you beautiful loves and lights in the world too! 

So...in honor of turning 38, here are 38 things I've learned in the 38 years I've been alive...in no particular order....because that might give too much away. 

1. If I eat too much pineapple at one time, my mouth will eventually blister, tongue included, and nothing will taste right for days. 
2. On the flipside of that, if I eat too much pineapple at one time, I will taste like a pineapple. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. 
3. There is no such thing as "the perfect partner". There is only the perfect partner FOR ME. He will annoy the ever loving fuck out me at least once a day. It's kind of his  job. But if he gives me whatever it is I need to be my most raw, real, and authentic self, then I've found my lobster. (Click here if you don't know what that means)
4. Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream is crack. 
5. I was born with 2 things in this world. My virginity, and my right to love - to give love and to receive love. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY MY RIGHT. 
6. A great slice of pizza can absolutely be called a tastier Eucharist. It's not offensive. Great pizza is manna from heaven.
7. Consentual sex with no orgasm is okay. It doesn't mean I've been objectified., and it doesn't mean my partner sucks in bed. It simply means that this time the big O has passed me by...like a Winnebago on the freeway...and I'm a sad, sad, thirsty hitch hiker. 
8. Not every single person is going to like me. No matter how sweet and funny I am. As a matter of fact, some people will actually HATE ME because I am sweet and funny. AND THAT IS OK. IF THEY DON'T PAY MY BILLS, THEIR OPINION HAS NO EFFECT ON MY LIFE. 
9. How-e-verrrrrr, they do have to respect me. And I do have to respect them. No good comes from twistin' my neck, and talkin' shit. 
10. My body is fine when it's fat, and it's fine when it's not fat. Though the diet industry, every damn magazine on the planet, and Kim Kardashian would like to convince me otherwise (see "waist training"), they have yet to figure out that what makes my body beautiful is what it can do, and how I treat it...not how it looks. 
11. Sensible shoes are overrated. 
12. Thongs are overrated. 
13. It's okay and acceptable to go commando, just don't try on clothes...
14. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO FAKE ORGASMS!!! No one's ego is worth lying to save. 
15. IT'S OKAY TO SAY I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED. IT DOESN'T MAKE ME A BITCH, OR FRIGID, OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED. 
16. My relationship with my parents (respectively) has NOTHING to do with their relationship with each other. It's okay to call them out when the guilt trip comes on. 
17. I will outgrow some friendships. Sometimes I'll know why, sometimes I won't. It will hurt just the same. 
18. Divorce is not the end of life. 
19. Marriage is not the beginning of life. 
20. Having children has ABSOLUTELY changed my life, and not always in the sparkly, unicorns and rainbows ways that Hallmark would have me believe. 
21. I cannot drink 13 martinis, 6 beers, and 3 shots in a night and expect to not feel it for 2 whole weeks.
22. Mothers are Yodas with breasts.
23. Truthtelling will give me enemies. It will also give me freedom.
24. It really is the motion of the ocean. IT REALLY FUCKING IS. 
25. Life doesn't end at 25, contrary to popular belief. And the 30's are just the beginning of RAD.
26. That line about "tis better to have loved and lost than to not ever have loved at all" is complete and total TRUTH. Had I never loved, and never lost, and never endured shitty relationship after shitty relationship, I would have never recognized the truest love in my Mister.
27. If I set forth in life with intention, and claim it as my own, the universe will fall in line. 
28. Judging someone else doesn't make me superior to them. It just makes me a judgmental asshat. 
29. Sometimes my chosen family is my sanctuary. And that's ok. 
30. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL, WHAT TO THINK, OR WHEN AND HOW TO EXPRESS MYSELF. 
31. My life has purpose. Not fulfilling it is not an option.
32. It's ok that I didn't know how to fulfill that purpose until 3 years ago. I know now. 
33. It's not okay to let the world dictate how I should feel about my body, my sexuality, my parenting style, my partner choices, my belief system, or my personal style. My life is my own. I run this shit. I have to look myself in the eye everyday, therefore I'm really the only one that needs to be okay with my life. 
34. I can be 200 pounds and healthy. I can also be 123 pounds and unhealthy. Healthy At Every Size is not a myth.
35. Sometimes 6 year olds with special needs are better humans than most fully functioning adults. 
36. I don't always like the act of parenting.  And I'm not afraid to say it. This shit is hard, sometimes it sucks, and no, I would NEVER recommend this to a friend. 
37. BLENDING A FAMILY IS NOTHING LIKE WHAT THE BRADY BUNCH HAD ME BELIEVE. MIKE AND CAROL ARE LYING ASSHOLES. 
38. Life is what you make it. LITERALLY.  LI-TER-A-LLY. (As in I really can't stress this enough)

Plus one more for good measure: Just because I learned it in Sunday School doesn't mean it's right, and it doesn't mean it's truth. And questioning it doesn't make me a bad Christian.  Neither does denying it. 

Ok...so that's my 38 for 38. I cannot wait to see what lies ahead in this year. I feel like life is starting to  gear up for the most amazing time ever. I've come a long way in 38 years - homelessness, domestic violence, eating disorders, miscarriage, almost miscarriage, death of a parent...it's been a shit storm mixed in with a whole lot of rainbows. Statistically speaking, I was born into this world with every last card in the deck stacked against me. I should be dead, in jail, or a sex worker. I have nothing AGAINST sex workers - it is NEVER my place to judge. But if you believe the movies, that should have been the fate of my life. 

But it wasn't. 

I'm here. 

I'm living with purpose. 

And deep in my gut, I know that I'm still alive ON purpose. 

God (i.e. The universe) ain't done with me yet. 

Stay with me for 38. I have a feeling the love and light is about to burst wide open. 

And I'm gonna rain down glitter. 

And have a damn ticker-tape parade.

I see you 38. Let's do this.